Because we are all human, we all make mistakes. We all hold on to our anger a moment too long, our tears a drop to many, and our fears a bit too far. But what happens when these mistakes step into the middle of a relationship and threaten everything you have worked for? Everything that you had going? Do you keep going?
I’ve waited a long while to write this post in hopes that my feelings would subside, but alas they have not and so I must write. As a young adult with a trauma history things get pretty confusing. I come from a world that made complete sense to me but that didn’t make sense to others. My world was okay. It was predictable in the most unpredictable ways. I didn’t have to worry about hurting others or making them sad. I didn’t have to watch what I said because I knew what I couldn’t say. I knew the ropes like I know the back of my hand. My world was simple in the most complicated of ways. It was comfortable in the most uncomfortable ways. But it was my world. It was what I knew. It was what I loved. That world was crazy and abusive, but it all made sense. I now live in a world, and have for the last 2 years, that makes no sense at all. The world before, the one that no one but those who were inside it understood, felt normal and the rest of the world seemed crazy. And now that I’m standing on the outside–the real normal side–I feel like I’m in a world that everyone else understands and I’m stuck at the window trying to rub it clean so I can see through. Since being a part of this “normal” world my eyes have been open to a lot of new things. My heart has learned a few lessons, one being: we are all human and we do make mistakes regardless of how perfect we try to be, or want to be. We fall and we shame ourselves for that fall. Sometimes because of the shame we try to place blame on others to lessen our pain or to reduce our failure. We deny that we regressed and try to move on with our lives as though nothing ever happened but deep in the back of our minds that secret begins to rot and create turmoil that keeps evolving until it’s faced. We begin to focus more on the bad things happening in life and the good things gradually start to fade. We place unrealistic expectations on to each other and get scared or angry when those expectations are not met. We overreact when something is out of line or not up to our standard. It’s a cycle, and it’s detrimental in this “real”, “normal” world…yet we each struggle with it at some level.
Two years ago I believed that Bailey was this perfect person. That she never lost her cool and that she followed everything she preached to a T. Two years ago I also believed this about Becca. I didn’t know them, only by phone. As the past two years have gone by I have learned that they too are human, that they mess up. And it’s really hard for me to forgive them when they do. It’s hard for me to put my hurt feelings and expectations aside and realize that it’s okay that they aren’t perfect. It’s really hard and I know, sometimes, it is really hard for them to put their hurt feelings aside as well.
For a while now, things have gone fairly well. Aside from the small frustrations there haven’t been any large meltdowns from either party (between Bailey and I…but I’ve had a few with Becca), until last week. I don’t want to go into detail as I want to keep things pretty simple here but I melted down due to some major confusion about my standings in Bailey’s family. I failed to communicate with Bailey the night before about my confusion and the longer I held on to it, out of fear of her reaction, the more it grew. I knew the morning of the meltdown that I couldn’t hold it in any longer but was intentional on when I would let it out. I asked Bailey to come in and let me know they were leaving when they were leaving. She did. I waited a few minutes until I was sure they were gone and I just let it out. To my dismay, they hadn’t left. Bailey walked back into her room (which is where I was staying as my room was being used for guests) and in attempt to not let her see me melting down I ran to the bathroom and locked it. She told me to unlock it and out of fear I wouldn’t. This is where it escalated and she became human. We both lost it. No one was hurt and nothing damaged but in the end I was kicked out, again. Since that day, Bailey hasn’t communicated with me more than a goodnight and good morning text each day.
There’s a lot of blame going on about this meltdown. A lot of he-said-she-said, I-did-this-but-she-didn’t-do-this business that is being caused by not having the proper communication days ago. Things that are both frustrating and hurtful have been said via communication to a third-party. And this meltdown is carrying on into something bigger than it ever was. This is where my two worlds collide. This is where I feel the comfort in the Crazytown world because this is what happened in Crazytown, and this is where I find the confusion in the “real”, “normal” world because the degree to which all of this has/is unfolded(ing) is not a degree of Normalcy in the “real”,”normal” world.
This is where I have to remember that Bailey is human. I have to remember that Becca is human. I have to remember that we are all human; we all have feelings and our own hoops to jump through before we can reconnect or start over. But it’s hard. My feelings are still very raw towards the situation and I hold a lot of frustration towards Bailey right now. Some of the things she said to me in the heat of the moment are still circling in my head, causing me to doubt my progress and her acceptance of me, as a whole. And even though I know that we will move through this and soon it will be over, it doesn’t make it any easier. It doesn’t make me any less human…allowing myself too much anger or too many tears over hurt feelings…and it doesn’t make allowing her to be human any easier either.