It’s hard sometimes when those who love you tell you that you just need to want something to get it. It’s hard when they ask you for something you’re trying to give and their response to you’re trying is to just want it. They don’t really understand. My head pounds and my stomach curdles constantly. I wake up and each day it feels like I’ve been hit by a truck because the night previous I didn’t sleep. I tossed and turned and when I finally fell asleep I dreamed. My dreams follow me from my sleep and I wake without knowing where I am. Everything around has transformed into memories of the past and the people who once hurt me surround me again. None of it’s real, but I don’t know that. I try to grasp on to every piece of reality that could pull me back, but each piece I find shares history with the dream. Often times, once I’ve reached a more tangible reality, the residue of my dreams lingers for the rest of the day. It’s hard. And it’s a pattern…it’s an unconstitutional pattern that lingers around until it’s found my weak spot and then it hits. That’s the one thing they do understand…that it happens over and over. I don’t ever notice the outcome because during the pattern I live more in survival than in reality. My life becomes surviving from day-to-day, minute to minute. I struggle to see the changes in my behavior and my attitude. I am not sure if it’s harder to be confronted about it by the ones who love you, even though they don’t really get it, or the idea that the actual relationship starts to become almost abusive. I’m not sure if it’d be classified as abusive but I shut the world out. I become so unreachable that even the things that give me the squirms or hurt me don’t phase me. I allow things like forehead kisses which most of the time make me want to explode. Even those who I most of the time reach to for love and for guidance can’t coax me. The world disappears and I start to live somewhere far away, somewhere safe and less overwhelming. It hurts because only those who are close to me see it and I only see them once a week or so. So the majority of my time I spend living somewhere else while those around me think that I’m happy and thriving. When you explain these things their reaction is one of either non-belief or unsurety. Sometimes they tell you you’re being dramatic or they make comments to say that you’re being dramatic. And so you just stop. I’ve returned to CrazyTown and made a pit stop at stoic. I still wake and my head pounds, I don’t know where I am and my stomach feels like it’s going to hurl…but I put a smile on and walk out of my house, void of emotion…And now that I’m here, where it feels more comfortable…I’m wading trying to get back to the other side. Life is exhausting.


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