One of the hardest things to do is to have a conversation with someone you don’t know, or more specifically don’t remember. What’s even harder is that just days prior you spent the weekend with this person and talk to them daily. It feels like what I can only imagine amnesia to feel. It’s awkward to be conversing and working to remember this person all at once. This happens a lot for me. I forget people. Unless I am thinking of them or talk with them multiple times a day, I forget who they are, what role they play(ed) in my life, what they like to do, etc. I forget everything. And when they strike a conversation and act like we’ve known each other for years, it’s hard. It’s confusing. After a while I’m able to remember them again, but it takes some time. Forgetting the people I forget seems impossible. The people I forget are those that have made and continue to make an impact on my life. They are people like my mom, Bailey, Becca, Grace. They are the people who are so close to me, that losing them is too much. I have forgotten my mom on multiple occasions and have struggled to reclaim what memories I do have of her. I continuously forget Bailey during the school year when she is busy with work and I am busy with school. I have forgotten Becca throughout most of this year and struggle to pull back memories when we do converse. I have forgotten Grace over and over since this semester has begun. It takes so much of what little I do have to sit down and remember these people every day, which seems impossible, as these are the people who pour their heart into me. It seems selfish to say I don’t have enough in me to even sit and remember them. It’s frustrating. I can’t imagine if they knew it’d feel okay to them. But it’s how I cope. Its how my brain and body trained itself as a child to not be hurt every time my mom left. It’s how I live day to day without melting down or freaking out. It’s how I manage. I opened my heart enough to allow them in and the idea of them leaving or me losing them seems too big. Just like when I was a child, I’ve learned to subconsciously shut the people who are there for me out of my mind when they are gone so that I don’t get hurt. It doesn’t hurt until I hear from them or we have a conversation. It doesn’t feel bad until I realize that I’ve forgotten them. My heart moves on and my life continues. Perhaps this is one of my biggest hurtles that I must overcome in order to truly connect with people. Maybe I keep making excuses to not work on this because I worry my heart will inevitably be broken, again. I don’t know…because it seems impossible to just forget the people you know love you. It seems impossible to talk to them one day and then completely forget them the next, and yet I do. Sometimes coping skills are beautiful, sometimes they are hurtful, some times they are both…


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