It’s been a while. Though I’ve continuously written at a personal level, for my own sake, I’ve greatly neglected this blog. It’s not that I don’t enjoy writing here, it just feels like who and where I was when I started this chronicle is so different than who I am today, even though so many of the struggles still exist. I don’t know what to write about anymore…I don’t know who my target audience is. And, also, life. So, it’s not that I’ve not been writing, I have, I just haven’t shared. SO if I even have followers still, hello and I’m sorry! I thank you greatly for sticking around.
As for an update… I’d like to say that since the last 2 times I’ve posted life has taken off and everything is grand and green. It has, and it is…but it is also overwhelming and black more often than I’d like to admit… especially right now as the reunion of my being removed from my bio family. And taxes. And work. I finally graduated and have since applied to easily over 100 jobs with each response being that I’m not qualified or I’m too qualified, I’m too fresh out of school, someone else will do it cheaper… SO as it stands I work a lot of freelance. It keeps me busy as at the moment I have 4 clients.. however, busy doesn’t always = money. So that’s a big issue I’ve run into lately. And it’s not that I wont work at job outside of my field it’s that I’ve tried to avoid it as long as possible while maintaining my bills and necessities. That said, I’m now seeking full time employment outside of my degreed career because being -$400 in the hole is not really feasible.
This is my life right now… working over 40 hours a week between 4 jobs/clients and unable to pay even the necessities in bills. BUT aside from that life really is actually good. My support system has shrunk…but over the past year I’ve learned to really understand the importance of connection, love, and understanding. I’ve had 2 of my support people essentially drop off the radar and only re-appear when it’s convenient for them…usually with the excuse: LIFE. I’ve learned that my emotional health and ability to stay regulated is more important than a strenuous relationship. I HAVE NOT learned how to tell these people this to their faces and that is hard. I occasionally feel the need to discuss with them the descent of our relationship and how hard it’s been… but most of the time i lean on the people that’ve really stuck by me and soak in their love.
Life IS good. It’s hard and messy and sometimes I still feel like it’s too much, but slowly, it’s becoming manageable, comfortable and full of love!