Today, I punched a wall. I laugh and I cry.

Years ago, in my very first foster home, my foster mom was called to the hospital because my foster sister had punched the wall hard enough to break her hand. Being young and antagonistic, my other foster sister and I teased her for days, not understanding the desire to punch a wall.

Unlike me, she wasn’t a cutter. Thinking back on it now she had no other outlet and as she said, “It was the closest non-living thing to her.”

Today, almost 13 years later I totally get it. So, I laugh and I cry. I laugh because the thought of punching a wall is so ludicrous. I cry because quite honestly it sucks feeling like there is no other outlet. It’s scary feeling so out of control. It’s exhausting holding it all in. And it’s hard to reach out for help only to be shot down or brushed over.

This last month has been incredibly hard with some really big changes that I’m not really comfortable with and that are leaving me in some pretty undesirable conditions, that though I’m trying my damndest to I can’t control. I’ve reached out to each of my mentors and each has handled it so differently and honestly each has made me not want to reach out in their own way. One keeps saying that it’s my energy that’s preventing the change that needs to happen. That I just need to align myself with what I truly want and release the energy holding me back. The other glosses over it every time I talk to her. She asks and then when I tell her the details and how close to the edge I am, her response is quick like “I hope it works out” and then she’ll either stop talking or ask when I want to go to lunch. And the third, I’m not sure how to describe her response. She listens, but a lot of the time it feels more like she’d rather I just not talk about it. When I’m done talking she reminds me to tap and to do affirmations. If I try to dispute what she says she tells me I’m in Crazytown. So while I keep trying to reach out I feel like there’s really no use because I get shot down or told to change or do something I’ve already been doing.

So all of that to backstory the backstory of why I punched the wall.

To give the short backstory, one of my mentors had prepared me last night that she might not be available for part of the day. In my head I suspected 3-4 hours because that’s usually all it is. It ended up being 6-7 hours and me not hearing from her at all until early evening which was really hard for me because I like routine and part of our routine is that we check in either late morning or early afternoon for a couple minutes and didn’t. On top of that I had the stress of the big change. AND on top of that I’d just went hiking, ran out of gas so had to coast down the mountain, and my truck overheated to the point where the engine felt like it was locking up…and I felt I had no one to call because at this point I was so certain Mentor was in a dead in a ditch or  had packed up and left and wouldn’t answer. I was so far into crazytown/victimhood that I couldn’t fathom that she might be ok or that I could call her to help alleviate some of my stress. So by the time she texted I was so overwhelmed and terrified that she was in a ditch or was never coming back and the closest non-living thing to me was my bathroom wall.

I guess I’ll call it progress and digress… I didn’t cut but my hand has definitely seen better days.

 

*Note to say, I’m not blaming her for me punching the wall, or any of them really. It was a build up of other events from the day, the big change, feeling like I was missing support from all 3 people, and MAJOR abandonment issues as I was completely ok until I got home right before she texted. I used the story of what happened today paired with with my experience in the last month with each mentor,to show how quickly the build up can throw me into a deep cycle of not being ok when I don’t feel supported and have too much stimulus. Hence the wall punch.
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