When the only person left to talk to is the Crisis Hotline and they’re basically a robot…
The last few months have been hard. Really hard. I don’t want to attribute it to anything in particular because quite honestly, I think it’s been a slew of things that just keep building. Work. Past memories coming back ten-fold. Lack of people to talk to. Not having a set schedule while having an excess of work, not feeling like I have a purpose, Etc. The list just seems to grow…but also seems so juvenile.
People ask why I don’t reach out to my support system…and if you read my last post, it’s not as existent as it used to be. Only one of the 3 are now available emotionally for me. I have reached out and she know’s I’m struggling. She is doing the best she can on her own to help me…but she’s exhausted too. And quite frankly I would never expect her to hold all of this when she doesn’t have the space. She’s been honest with me about where she is and has expressed her desire to know and help…but is limited right now. And that’s ok.
All of that to say that I’m so far past empty that I just can’t. I don’t have the $ or insurance for a therapist (which is why I do rely on her for emotional support, since the other two haven’t had the space) so I decided to reach out to the Crisis Hotline.
I’ve texted them before, in the past, and had the same experience but hoped this one would be different. I texted because I’ve been in a space where all I’ve wanted to do is stop breathing. Stop moving. But I also know that I am not ready to die. I do love my people here and my dog and DO have things to live for…but I just need everything around me to stop for a minute. Someone to talk to. To get it out. To stop feeling so dead.
So, I texted them and right away got an automated response letting me know that yes, it’s a real service and asking what’s on my mind. So I engaged in hopes of finally talking. They said they were going to get a crisis counselor…and they did. I tried, I really did. I explained what was happening and why I just wanted to stop. I opened up.But each response was calculated and almost automated…and the time between text and response was forever, so I gave up. Just like I did last time…I lied and said I wasn’t suicidal anymore and just shoved it all back in, took some ibuprofen and had a drink. And now, I sleep…and tomorrow will be another day.